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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24728263">i see the look in your eye (and i'm biting my tongue)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/namkoobi/pseuds/salrob'>salrob (namkoobi)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>21 // rini [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>High School Musical: The Musical: The Series (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Getting Back Together, Multi, Pining, Post-Canon, Self-Discovery</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 02:21:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,463</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24728263</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/namkoobi/pseuds/salrob</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“So, how’s it going?” Nini asks, and Ricky turns to look at her. </p><p>“How’s what going?” he asks.</p><p>“You and your girlfriend, I mean,” Nini clarifies. “Have you guys - you know?” She gestures, afraid to say the words out loud, and even more afraid to hear the answer.</p><p>“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Ricky teases, winking at her.</p><p>And the sad thing is, she would.</p><p>Right then and there, she starts thinking that maybe she does care a little.</p><p>--</p><p>or, ricky and nini break up before college. nini handles it (mostly) well.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Minor or Background Relationship(s), Ricky Bowen/Nini Salazar-Roberts</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>21 // rini [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1787995</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>111</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i see the look in your eye (and i'm biting my tongue)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hi yes i'm back with another rini fic bc they still have me in a chokehold. imo there's a huge lack of ~getting back together~ rini fics on this site so here i am writing the content myself :^) the story is obviously inspired by 21 but it's also inspired by a hinny au from like 10 years ago</p><p>one thing before we start: i know nini pines a lot for ricky in this fic but do not think for a second that i don't love and respect her as an independent person of her own. nini can do whatever she sets her mind to (with or without ricky) and i love that for her. nini stan first, rini stan second.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Nini’s sitting in the garden behind her house, fingers skimming the daffodils that have just begun to bloom. The graduation party is in full swing, but she’d needed a breather, so she lets her white dress get grass stains as she tilts her head, letting what little breeze there is pleasantly blow on her face. The sun is bright, but not too bright, so she shuts her eyes and takes it in - a brief escape from whatever madness her friends were up to.</p><p>The grass swishes behind her, familiar footsteps treading through the path; Nini doesn’t have to turn her head to know who it is.</p><p>“Figured I’d find you here.”</p><p>Opening her eyes, Nini watches as Ricky takes a seat next to her, curly hair sticking to his forehead from the June humidity, eyes sparkling with mirth. For a moment, it’s too much, and she looks away.</p><p>“Yeah,” she replies, stomach churning. This is it - the moment she’d been dreading since the last name from East High’s class of 2021 had been read, and everyone had gotten up out of their seats to do the cliche “throw your caps in the air” moment. </p><p>“I didn’t really see you around after graduation,” Ricky nudges her gently. Her skin burns from where he makes contact, and Nini angles herself as to widen the distance between them. It doesn’t go unnoticed, and his eyebrows furrow in confusion.</p><p>“It’s been a hectic day.” Nini draws her legs in and pulls her knees up to her chin, still not looking at him. </p><p>Ricky’s hand grazes her cheek, and he’s leaning in, his eyes on her lips. Hastily, Nini pulls away. “Ricky, no,” she says softly but evenly. </p><p>Ricky’s hand abruptly drops from the side of her face. “Why?” he asks, voice hoarse, eyes wide with hurt. </p><p>Because it isn’t that simple. Because Ricky will be going to Utah State while Nini’s heading out all the way to the East Coast. To New York City, to Columbia, to the school she’d been dreaming of since she could walk. Because Nini’s ready for the rest of her life to begin, and she wants to discover the kind of person she is - the kind of person she could be.</p><p>“We’ve talked about this,” Nini says. “2,170 miles. We know people who couldn’t even make it in the same time zone.”</p><p>“But we’ve always been different,” Ricky argues. “Nobody else has known each other since they were kids. Nobody else started calling me Ricky because they thought Richard was an old grandpa name, and nobody else started calling you Nini because they couldn’t pronounce their As.”</p><p>“Ricky, I - ” Nini takes a deep breath. It hurts, even just having to explain. “It's not only about the distance. We’ve always been a part of each other’s lives, haven’t we? I need some time for us to….not be. I need to find myself. Figure out what I really want from life.”</p><p>“And you can’t do that with me?” Ricky asks, hurt clipping his every word. </p><p>Shaking her head, Nini looks down. “No. I can’t.”</p><p>She can still feel him looking at her, but she keeps her gaze on a wet spot on the ground. Finally, Ricky breaks the silence. “So what now?” he asks. </p><p>Nini sighs. “We take it one day at a time. We do our own things. We enjoy the summer. We enjoy <em> life.</em>”</p><p>Ricky snorts. “Yeah, okay,” he says, the doubt in his voice clear. </p><p>“Friends.” Nini stands up, finally turning back towards him. “I need my friend back first, before anything else.”</p><p>Ricky looks at her for a long moment, eyes dark and fierce in the summer sun. Finally, he grasps her hand and pulls himself up. Nini lets go as soon as he’s steady. </p><p>“Okay,” he says, looking lost as he turns back to the house. Her hand burns where his palm had touched hers, but she tries not to dwell on it and follows him inside.</p><p>—</p><p>“You broke up with Ricky??”</p><p>“I can hear the judgment in your voice, Kourt, and I don’t like it,” Nini remarks as she flips through an Ikea catalogue. Beside her, Kourtney’s looking at room aesthetics on Pinterest, a cup of froyo in hand. Gina’s sitting on the counter, swinging her legs as she online shops. </p><p>“Yeah, well.” Kourtney shrugs. “We all thought you two would be the exception. We didn’t think you’d break up with him on literally the first day of summer vacation.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Gina chimes in, looking up from her laptop. “You guys were definitely the couple that everyone thought was gonna get married after graduation.”</p><p>“Married?” Nini splutters. “I don’t even know what I want to major in; what makes you think I’m ready for marriage?” </p><p>“Hey.” Kourtney pats her shoulder in an attempt to reassure her. “We support you no matter what - you know that, right? We were just surprised, is all.”</p><p>Nini sighs, closing the Ikea catalogue and turning towards her friends. “It’s just - Ricky’s been in my life since as long as I can remember. I need to see what it’s like without him - I need to know I can do things, without him.”</p><p>“You <em> have </em> been doing things without him,” Gina points out. “Like getting into your dream school, for starters.”</p><p>Nini rolls her eyes. “You know what I mean.” </p><p>“I do,” Gina agrees. “We just want to make sure you’re doing this for the right reasons, that’s all. Especially me, as your future roommate.”</p><p>Nini doesn’t know how to respond to that, so she just re-opens the Ikea catalogue and stares at a Poäng armchair for way too long.</p><p>—</p><p>Later that summer, Nini goes with Ricky and Big Red to the local ice cream shop. The boys have just come back from pre-freshman orientation at Utah State, and they’re itching to escape the heat. </p><p>“We met some of the other guys on our floor,” Big Red informs her as they walk along. </p><p>“Oh? How were they?” Nini asks, linking her fingers and stretching her arms over her head. She tells herself she isn’t doing it on purpose—if Ricky happened to look, that was his problem.</p><p>“They were nice,” Big Red tells her. “‘I’m pretty excited to live with them.”</p><p>“You’re only saying that because of that cute boy who talked to you about different types of skateboards for five minutes straight,” Ricky interjects, teasing. </p><p>“Says you,” Big Red shoots back. “Don’t think I didn’t see you checking out the pretty football player who lives right across the hall.”</p><p>Nini promptly stops in her tracks. Ricky glances at her, eyes wide, face torn between embarrassment and awkwardness. Big Red realizes his slip up, and looks nervously between the two of them. </p><p>“Too soon, Red,” she mutters, shaking her head. She speeds up and walks ahead, trying to ignore the way her stomach is twisting up into itself.</p><p>“I thought we were just friends!” Ricky calls after her; she can hear his and Big Red’s footsteps thudding on the pavement as they race to catch up. </p><p>“We are!” she calls back. “Wait a few weeks, and then we can talk about all the cute people we like, okay?”</p><p>It’s tense, the silence broken by Big Red’s nervous chuckle. Nini glances back, and her gaze softens. “Let’s go get ice cream, yeah?” she says gently. </p><p>“Right.” Ricky coughs. “Ice cream.”</p><p>Nini closes her eyes as Ricky and Big Red start up a new conversation, something about one of the boys on their floor tripping down the stairs and falling flat on his face. She presses a palm to her stomach, willing it to settle; she must have eaten something bad yesterday.</p><p>It isn’t jealousy. It isn’t.</p><p>—</p><p><br/>
When she sees him standing outside her house the day she and Gina are prepared to leave for New York, she nearly has a heart attack. </p><p>“I’m not here for you!” Ricky exclaims as she walks over.</p><p><em> Ouch. </em> “Okay,” she says darkly. </p><p>Ricky grimaces. “No. I mean, I’m not here as a boyfriend. I’m here as a friend. Saying goodbye to my two friends.” He gestures to Gina, who’s hugging her mom. </p><p>Something in her deflates. “Alright. Let’s keep in touch? We can send each other emails, like in sixth grade, when our parents took away our phones for texting too much.”</p><p>“Yeah, I remember that,” Ricky chuckles, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. “And then they eventually gave up and bought separate phones just for us to talk to each other with.”</p><p>“Right.” It suddenly feels wrong, reminiscing about childhood memories right as they’re about to leave. Nini swallows down a lump in her throat; if they were still together, he would be kissing her right now-</p><p>But they aren’t together. And that’s fine. She’s fine - she’d been the one to end it, after all. </p><p>“Anyways,” Ricky clears his throat. “Have fun.”</p><p>“Thanks,” she replies. “You too.”</p><p>There’s a brief moment in which she thinks he’s leaning in, and against her better judgment, she feels herself taking a step towards him, but then Gina comes over, a mess of flying arms and tears, hugging Ricky tight, and Nini sighs, waving one last time before she gets into the car.</p><p>—<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>College starts, and Nini finds herself catching her breath just to keep up. For the most part, she enjoys her classes, and she’s even been able to make friends out of the study groups she’s in. The people on her floor seem nice, and of course, she’s got Gina by her side to make the transition easier. But Nini knows what she’s looking forward to the most, and when flyers go up all around the apartment building advertising the upcoming activities fair, she jots the location and time down in her planner to remember.</p><p>It’s intimidating, walking into the student center alone and seeing all these upperclassmen, confident in loving what they do, gesturing and waving sign-up sheets, eagerly promoting their various organizations.</p><p>“Hello!” One of the girls standing in front of the theater troupe waves brightly at Nini. “We’re doing High School Musical this semester - are you interested?”</p><p>Of course, Nini thinks. Of course she would run 2,170 miles away from Salt Lake to New York, only to be confronted with the world’s cruelest trick. She almost wants to cry, thinking about the way she held up her phone flashlight at Ricky, singing the lyrics of the first verse of <em> Breaking Free </em> before he joined in, grinning at her like she was the only thing in the world. </p><p>But the girl is still waiting for a response, so Nini clears herself out of her haze and smiles. “Sure.”</p><p>“Cool!” The girl exclaims, pushing her glasses up her nose. “Sign-ups for auditions will go out next week, if you just write your email here…”</p><p>So Nini, against her better judgment, puts her name down, because despite everything, she still loves theater with everything in her, and since she’s a freshman, she’d probably get cast as nothing more than an extra. She doesn’t have to go through the role of Gabriella again, replacing whoever is cast as Troy with Ricky in her mind. </p><p>Nini thanks the girl and moves on, carefully weaving her way through the other tables. By the end of the fair, she’s also put her name down for the school paper, the Filipinx student association, and robotics club, because why the hell not. </p><p>(Hey, she’d told herself college was for trying new things. And at the very least, there’s nothing with robotics that she could possibly associate with back to Ricky.)</p><p>—</p><p>
  <em> Hey Nini, </em>
</p><p>
  <em> This is me. Writing. As a friend.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Um...so this is harder than I thought it would be. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> How’s college? How are your classes? Gina told me you’re doing a ton of gen eds. Maybe if you’d gone to Utah State you could use your AP credits to skip them but that’s none of my business. She also told me you signed up for robotics club. The most musically inclined person I know doing tech? How’s that going? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Utah State is nice. Turns out that cute football player is tragically straight, but I’d like to think we’re friends now. Classes are okay, but the lectures are so big and it’s hard to find consistent people to sit with. Red and I have a lot of classes together though, so that’s good. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> So I guess that’s it. Write back soon please, especially since this was your idea. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> -Ricky </em>
</p><p>—</p><p>
  <em> Ricky, </em>
</p><p>
  <em> This isn’t hard, you’ve just got to use your words. Buy a dictionary or something. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Columbia’s going well, thanks. Joke’s on you but my gen eds aren’t actually terrible, and the plus side of going to a smaller school is that I don’t have any class with more than 30 people in it. idk why Gina would betray me like this telling you about robotics club but it….actually isn’t that terrible, either. I’m the only non-CS or engineering major there, but everyone’s nice!! When the day comes that I learn how to hack into your phone and send dumb texts to all your contacts then you Will Realize. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Sorry to hear about the straight football player, but you probably dodged a bullet there. Keep me updated on the other stuff, though. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> -Nini </em>
</p><p>
  <em> — </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Nini, </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I have a dictionary (and Google). You’re just mean. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> -Ricky </em>
</p><p>
  <em> — </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Ricky,  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I’m not mean, just honest. And this doesn’t qualify as a full-length email, I expect better from you. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> -Nini </em>
</p><p>
  <em> — </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Sorry, your majesty. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Here’s some updates for you - I joined the club frisbee team, one of the boys’ a cappella groups, and am maybe trying my hand at DJing? Kind of wanted to sign up for the theater troupe but it just didn’t feel right without the rest of the gang.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Sorry that this is short again—I have three midterms this week and I’m kind of dying. I’ll send a longer email if I manage to make it out alive.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> -Ricky </em>
</p><p>
  <em> — </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Ricky, </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Fine. I’ll make an exception for you this time. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> But in all honesty, don’t work yourself too hard. Take breaks, drink water, get 8 hours of sleep. You know, things you should be doing but are probably not since we’re college students now.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> The first robotics competition of the semester is this weekend and I’ll have you know I helped build part of the bot we’re entering. One step closer to worldwide domination. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> -Nini </em>
</p><p>—</p><p>In the emails they exchange weekly, Ricky never mentions a thing about dating. They talk about classes, exams, clubs, friendships—but never about dates, or crushes. They slip right back into their old friendship; in fact, Nini’s kind of shocked at how fast they bounced back into their friendly teasing, but with none of the insinuation that had laced their conversations before.</p><p>She and Gina catch a plane home for Christmas; she’s excited to see him, because she’d found it, what she wanted to do with her life, and she wants to tell him, to get his advice, because they’re finally friends, and that’s what friends do—</p><p>Until she sees <em> her. </em></p><p>The second Nini opens the door and steps into Ashlyn’s house for their annual Christmas get-together, she spots the blonde stranger sitting on the couch, her head close to Ricky’s brunette curls. Her hand is resting lightly on his knee, and Nini can’t breathe. She stares painfully for several long moments before Ashlyn spots her, whisking her away to the kitchen.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Ashlyn mutters. “I thought you’d be here earlier, so I could’ve warned you—”</p><p>“Who was that?” Nini finally squeaks out, dropping her contribution to the get-together - a homemade box of cookies - on the table.</p><p>“Oh, you’ve met Nicole?” Kourtney enters the kitchen, coming over to give her a hug.</p><p>“Kourt, who is that?” Nini hisses, face hot. </p><p>Kourtney ignores her question, purposefully avoiding Nini’s gaze as she plops a giant bag of chips next to Nini’s cookies. “Put your present in the corner, we’re—”</p><p>“Kourtney!” Nini exclaims. </p><p>Sighing, Kourtney finally meets Nini’s eye. “Ricky really wanted to bring her and introduce her to everyone. Ash and I didn’t want her to come, but Ricky hardly ever asks for favors so we felt bad and said yes. We always thought it was gonna be you, but it’s been three months now and—”</p><p>Nini hears almost nothing Kourtney says afterwards, her mind still stuck on the words <em> three months</em>. Three months? How did she not know about this for three whole months?</p><p>Running out of the kitchen, Nini waves blindly at the rest of her friends sitting in the living room. She hops two stairs at a time until she reaches Ashlyn’s designated guest bathroom, closing the door, sitting down on the toilet seat, and trying to calm her racing pulse because she <em> doesn’t care! </em></p><p>She. Doesn’t. Care. </p><p>Nini can see the top of her head reflected from her position on the toilet, and stands up to fully face the mirror. “I don’t care!” she snaps, meeting her own gaze and faltering.</p><p>“Nini?”</p><p>Gina knocks before entering, looking hesitant. Nini turns to her, arms crossed and glaring.</p><p>“Did you know?” she asks; it takes all her willpower to keep her voice even. </p><p>Gina sighs, shutting the door behind her and leaning against the sink. “Yes, but I thought he’d told you too.”</p><p>“Well,” Nini says, shoulders slumping as the anger drains out of her, “he didn’t.”</p><p>“I guess it is a little awkward,” Gina admits. “Ricky bringing a college girlfriend to a high school thing.”</p><p>“Do you think I should go home and change?” Nini asks abruptly. The attire for Christmas get-togethers is usually casual, but she thinks now could be a good time to try on a dress she’d bought in New York before she left.</p><p>“I didn’t think you’d care if he dated,” Gina says. “You rejected him.” </p><p>“I didn’t want to be his end-all, be-all,” Nini says quietly, trying to ignore the feeling of regret suddenly pooling in her stomach. “I still don’t.”</p><p>But that doesn’t mean she wants to see him with someone else. Even if she doesn’t care. Because she doesn’t!</p><p>“Hey,” Gina says softly. “Let’s just forget about Ricky and have a good time, okay?” She touches Nini’s shoulder gently, before leaving her alone in the bathroom. </p><p>Later, after Secret Santa presents have been exchanged, Nini retreats to the snow-covered gazebo just behind Ashlyn’s house. It’s freezing outside, and her thin sweater and skinny jeans aren’t enough to keep her warm. But she still stands there, willing the icy wind to freeze the hot sting of jealousy that rushes through her veins, at the sight of his hand in <em> hers</em>.</p><p>Snow crunches behind her, and a familiar hand touches her shoulder. “Kind of cold, isn’t it?”</p><p>Steeling herself, Nini glances back and sees him there, looking as normal as ever. “I’m fine.”</p><p>Ricky moves so that they’re touching, shoulder to shoulder. Though they’re separated by thin layers of fabric, Nini can feel the soft wool of his sweater; she suddenly remembers them during this time last year, curled up together in front of Ashlyn’s fireplace, warmth from the hearth licking her skin. </p><p>“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” Ricky breaks the silence again.</p><p>Nini sighs, shoulders slumping. “No worries.”</p><p>“It just felt - it was weird. I didn’t know how to tell you,” he continues, voice soft. </p><p>Nini laughs awkwardly. “We’re friends - you can tell me anything.”</p><p>“Do you like her?” he asks, voice cracking on the <em> you</em>.</p><p>“She seems really nice,” Nini responds immediately, trying to imbue some cheer into her tone.</p><p>“Not what I asked,” he says, and all of a sudden, he’s standing in front of her and looking right at her, gaze shooting warmth directly through her veins like cocaine.  </p><p>“Does it matter?” she asks.</p><p>“Yeah, it matters. If you don’t like her….” Ricky trails off, shrugging.</p><p>For the first time in years, she feels powerful. A few choice words, and she can end an entire relationship.</p><p>She hates every second of it. </p><p>Shivering, she looks up and smiles slightly. “I like her, Ricky.”</p><p>Something flickers across Ricky’s face, something she can’t fully put her finger on. </p><p>“Thank you,” he says, voice rich in sincerity. It cuts her clean through like a razor. </p><p>“Ricky?” </p><p><em> She </em> calls from behind Nini, probably from the door closest to the gazebo. Ricky glances behind Nini, smiles, and looks back down at her. </p><p>“Coming in?” he asks, raising a brow. </p><p>“Yeah, give me a minute,” she replies. “I’ll catch up.”</p><p>With a final touch to her arm, he walks past her. She hears muffled laughter, and then the door shutting. </p><p>She can hardly feel the cold anymore.</p><p>— </p><p>This is what she tells herself: Childhood crushes die. People change and grow. People don’t meet their life partners at 5 years old in kindergarten, exchanging colored pencils. Most people don’t marry the people they dated in high school. </p><p>This is how she explains away her rather visceral physical reactions to him and his girlfriend: That heavy, sickening pit in the space where her heart used to be? Not jealousy. A poorly made <em> Adobo </em> dish, that’s all. The way her vision goes blurry and her head spins? Not envy. Just warm in here, that’s all. The convulsive flutter against her ribcage? Heart attack. She should get it checked out, really. Wouldn’t want to drop dead before she even graduates college. </p><p>Then, of course, there are the things she can’t explain away.</p><p>—</p><p>Sophomore year fall semester at Columbia, Nini gets a girlfriend of her own. </p><p>Her name is Naomi. She’s also in the Filipinx students association, and she’s so sweet to Nini it makes her melt. Their first date is at a small pizza place near campus, and on the walk there, Naomi makes her laugh so hard her sides hurt.</p><p>Naomi orders a personal pizza with only pineapple on top, and Nini levels her with a judging glare. “Pineapple on pizza? What’s wrong with you?”</p><p>“What?” Naomi laughs, easy and free. “What’s wrong with that?”</p><p>(And suddenly, Nini is back in the Pie Pizzeria, Gina, Kourtney, and Big Red across from her and Ricky by her side. Ricky, with one hand in hers, carefully cutting off a slice of Hawaiian pizza while the girls exchange judgmental looks. Ricky looking up defensively, asking “what’s wrong with that?”, but then his furrowed brow switches to a smile and Gina is crying tears of laughter and it’s so happy, so bright, and she can almost taste the grease-)</p><p>“Nini. Nini!”</p><p>“Sorry. What?” Nini jumps, shaken back to reality. To Naomi. She’s not in Salt Lake, not at the Pie Pizzeria. </p><p>She’s not with Ricky anymore. </p><p>“Where’d you go?” Naomi asks, eyes soft, and Nini blushes. </p><p>“Nowhere,” she replies. “I was just thinking.”</p><p>Naomi’s not Ricky, but maybe-</p><p>Maybe she doesn’t have to be. </p><p>—</p><p>Nini officially declares her major in the spring of sophomore year. Clicking on “Computer Science,” she hesitates for only a second before submitting her profile to her advisor.</p><p>“Who knew Nini Salazar-Roberts, of all people, would become a CS major?” Kourtney teases her over the phone later, and yeah, it’s true. Her high school self would’ve never given computer science a second thought - it’s only after she joined robotics club in college that she’d realized her genuine love for all things technology.</p><p>It’s funny, too, Nini thinks, how she had initially joined simply because robots didn’t automatically remind her of Ricky. But she has Naomi now, and she’s happy.</p><p>(If part of her still wonders what would’ve happened if she hadn’t broken up with Ricky, well, that’s another thing altogether.)</p><p>—</p><p>Naomi and Nini split the summer before junior year. She isn’t too heartbroken about it, but with her newfound single status, and with coming back home to Salt Lake, she’s once again forced to think about Ricky and his girlfriend - Nicole - who are still going strong after almost two years together. </p><p>She finds herself at Ricky’s house one night, mixing 7 Up and vodka in a shot glass. It’s a smaller gathering than usual - just her, Ricky, his girlfriend, Kourtney and Gina. Out of the corner of her eye, she can see Ricky and Nicole curled up on the couch, giggling at something on his phone. </p><p>It’s sickening. But only because she’s just gone through a breakup, so couples as a concept are sickening, not because she cares about Ricky and Nicole in particular.</p><p>Because she doesn’t.</p><p>“How was your semester, Nini?” Nicole asks as Nini walks over, taking a seat on one of the cushions. </p><p>“Good. Yeah, I’m officially a CS bro now, and I got the lead for the spring musical, so it was great,” Nini responds, downing her shot and feeling her cheeks instantly burn up, as they always did whenever she drank. She wishes it was easier to hate Nicole. Because how can someone possibly be this nice to an ex-girlfriend?</p><p>Unless Nicole doesn’t know Nini is an ex-girlfriend. Had she really been that small of a blip on his radar that she didn't even warrant a mention?</p><p>Another thought suddenly hits her, unprompted - it's been two full years since she last kissed him. Nini ducks her head, rapidly blinking away the tears that threaten to spill down her face. She misses it, the feel of his hands on her neck; his thumbs would press right underneath her jaw as he pulled her in, the rest of his fingers gently cupping her face. He’d knock their foreheads together, lingering for one second longer than was necessary, and when he finally pressed his lips to hers, there was always an upward curve - a smile she knew was only for her. </p><p>She wonders if he does that when he kisses Nicole.</p><p>An hour later, Nicole excuses herself, telling them she has work in the morning. Ricky offers to walk her out, and Nini half-heartedly waves before turning to Kourtney and Gina, who’ve moved on to painting each other’s nails.</p><p>“Would it kill her to stop being so nice?” Nini snaps, standing up with such force she wobbles on her feet. She stomps back towards the makeshift bar, this time filling her glass with more vodka than 7 Up.</p><p>When she returns, Kourtney stares at her, brows raised, while Gina merely sighs. “You’re gonna get upset about this now?” she asks. </p><p>Nini frowns at her empty shot glass - since when had it been empty? “You’d just think she would hate me more,” she mutters as Ricky comes back downstairs, cheeks flushed, a small grin on his face, and it makes her want to scream-</p><p>Instead, she holds up her glass. “Another,” she tells him. </p><p>Ricky glances at her, his concern clear. “Are you sure?” </p><p>“Positive,” Nini replies curtly, handing him the glass and watching him shuffle off to the drinks. </p><p>“That wasn’t very nice,” Gina says quietly, after a moment.</p><p>Nini sighs. “I don’t care.”</p><p>“Whatever you say.” Kourtney turns back to her nails, already more interested in them than the conversation. Meanwhile, Ricky returns with several shot glasses of his own.</p><p>“If you’re getting drunk, then so am I,” he tells her, before downing the first glass in his grip.</p><p>Nini can’t help but smile as she drinks from her own. Kourtney and Gina get bored of the spectacle, and soon it’s just the two of them. As her mind loosens, Nini finds herself inching closer to Ricky, close enough that their shoulders are pressed together, shaking with laughter.</p><p>As she tries to control her giggles, she takes a moment to look him over. He doesn’t look all that different. Maybe a little more muscled, thanks to the club frisbee team. But in his eyes, in his facial expressions, he’s still Ricky. Fundamentally Ricky. </p><p>For the first time in forever, she lets herself miss him.</p><p>“So, how’s it going?” Nini asks, and Ricky turns to look at her. </p><p>“How’s what going?” he asks.</p><p>“You and Nicole, I mean,” Nini clarifies. “Have you guys - you know?” She gestures, afraid to say the words out loud, and even more afraid to hear the answer.</p><p>“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Ricky teases, winking at her.</p><p>And the sad thing is, she would.</p><p>Right then and there, she starts thinking that maybe she does care a little.</p><p>—</p><p>
  <strike> <em> ricky, </em> </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike> <em> i’m drunk and i miss you and i think maybe breaking up with you before college was a mistake </em> </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike> <em> i didn’t appreciate what we had enough and i don’t think i’ll ever find it again with anyone else  </em> </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike> <em> i think i kinda, you know </em> </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike> <em> i just -  </em> </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike> <em> i’m sorry </em> </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike> <em> -nini </em> </strike>
</p><p>—</p><p>Ricky doesn’t stop with the emails, and although it hurts every time she types out an update, Nini continues replying to him anyways, because she knows it makes him happy. </p><p>Meanwhile, autumn arrives, a little colder than usual. She and Gina have moved off-campus into a little apartment that’s a 5 minute walk away from a small park, and on the weekends, Nini likes to sit and watch the leaves turn, wrapped in a fleece blanket and wearing one of Ricky’s sweaters she never bothered to return. </p><p>She hates herself for it, but it feels like pining. Of course, she’s never done it before - at least, not like this - so she wouldn't really know. </p><p>A few days before winter break ends (and also four months after Ricky and Nicole’s two-year anniversary—not that she’s keeping track), Nini’s home alone with a half-eaten bag of chips and an old magazine. Her moms are out at happy hour with coworkers while she sits in the darkened living room, wearing Ricky’s maroon sweater. She has nowhere to go, and it’s kind of nice.</p><p>The peace and quiet is disturbed when she hears pounding on the front door. Startling, Nini gets up and glances through the peephole, opening the door in shock.</p><p>“Ricky?” she blurts incredulously, wishing she’d decided to put on another sweater, because this is definitely pathetic.</p><p>He stands in front of her in jeans and a long-sleeve shirt, no jacket, dark circles under his eyes and a bottle of wine in his grip. “We broke up,” he says. “Let’s drink.” Wordlessly, she lets him in, shutting the door and breathing in to steady herself. </p><p>When she walks into the living room, Ricky’s already splayed on the floor, pouring them generous glasses. “Come on,” he says, grabbing her wrist and pulling her down with him.</p><p>“What happened?” Nini takes the glass he hands her and crosses her legs.</p><p>Ricky downs his wine in one sitting. “We’ve been fighting. She wanted to get an apartment together senior year; I didn’t. She said it was a dealbreaker, and I told her I wasn’t changing my mind. She broke up with me, so now I’m here.”</p><p>Nini hates it, but part of her brightens at the revelation; her heartbeat races, not thanks to the alcohol. “Are you sure you won’t change your mind?” she asks, even though she doesn’t want to, but because that’s what <em> friends </em> do.</p><p>Shaking his head, Ricky pours them both another glass. “Yes,” he responds firmly. “Positive.”</p><p>“Okay,” Nini says softly, taking her glass and holding it up. “Cheers.”</p><p>Three hours later, they are <em> drunk</em>.</p><p>“-Can’t believe you did that,” Nini giggles, leaning against the legs of the couch in order to keep herself upright. “That was so dumb.”</p><p>“I can’t believe it, either!” Ricky exclaims. “But the dean was nice enough to let us go, and we made sure to never look him in the eye again.”</p><p>“Nicole must’ve been a trooper, not immediately breaking up with you for that,” Nini remarks wryly.</p><p>“Yeah,” Ricky laughs. “She really wasn’t a bad girlfriend. Plus, now I know what I’m looking for in whoever I date next.”</p><p>Nini giggles, clasping his hand. “Already planning for the next one?” she teases, meeting his eyes.</p><p>All of a sudden, Ricky’s hand is covering hers, and he jerks her closer. She can smell the alcohol in his breath, and up close, counts his six (very cute) noses.</p><p>“Nini,” he whispers huskily, pressing his forehead against hers. “Do you know who you are yet?”</p><p>Time seems to come to a stop, and she has to shut her eyes for several moments, struggling to breathe. “Right now, I’m drunk.”</p><p>“I did things without you,” he says somberly, squeezing her hand.</p><p>She can’t help but laugh, recalling their conversation from all those years ago like it had happened yesterday. “Just like I told you to,” she replies sadly. </p><p>His hands lift to her neck, fingers cupping her cheeks as his thumbs press right under her jaw. Shivering, she can’t help but let out a soft moan, opening her eyes to find him right there, staring at her like she’s the only thing in the world.</p><p>“I missed you,” he whispers softly.</p><p>“Me too,” she whispers back, fingers curling into the sleeve of his shirt. She feels like she’s on fire, the beat of her heart roaring in her ears. </p><p>And then he’s leaning in ever so slightly, and his lips brush hers, slightly chapped but still soft. She can taste the wine on his skin, and her resolve crumbles. Sliding closer, she shuts her eyes and kisses him full on the mouth, and it feels like coming home.</p><p>It’s drunk and sloppy; they bump noses and accidentally bite down on each other’s lips more than once, but it’s everything she remembers and <em> more</em>. It’s the way she has almost everything figured out, but <em> this </em> - the feeling of his lips on hers, his fingers tangling in her hair, the way he says her name like a prayer - is the final piece of the puzzle.</p><p>Nini thinks she’d be able to kiss him forever (or, until both of them pass out from the lack of oxygen). She doesn’t break the kiss as she slides herself into his lap, ignoring the constriction of her lungs, the way her head spins, a mixture of alcohol and air deprivation that she wouldn’t mind experiencing forever—</p><p>Opening her eyes as she finally pulls away, she looks down and sees him staring right back at her, eyes full of the love and longing she’s sure are mirrored in her own. He’s absentmindedly playing with a loose thread on her sweater with his left hand, his right hand grazing the bare skin where said sweater had ridden up.</p><p>Suddenly, she feels sick to her stomach; it has nothing and everything to do with the way he’s looking at her, the mirror image of what she’s constructed in her head these past few weeks, yet somehow more beautiful.</p><p>It’s wrong. It’s not supposed to be a moment filled with alcohol and the bitter aftertaste of the last girl on his tongue.</p><p>“You just broke up with your girlfriend,” she says faintly, pulling away and gripping his shoulders in an attempt to steady herself.</p><p>Ricky shakes his head in a desperate sort of way. “It’s not like that.”</p><p>“We should go on a real date,” she said, finally managing to detach herself from him despite his sighs of protest. “A date, after you’re finally over her.”</p><p>Ricky stares at her blankly as she resettles next to him. “A date,” he repeats.</p><p>She nods. “Date. Then….other stuff.”</p><p>Watching her for a moment, Ricky sighs and leans back against the couch. “I don’t want to wait any longer, Nini,” he says, with only the slightest bit of slurring. “I never stopped loving you - I mean, I did love Nicole, but she wasn’t you. You’re giving me a second chance, and I’m taking it.”</p><p>Nini’s mouth drops open. “How did you know I even gave you a chance at all?” </p><p>“I didn’t,” he replies quietly. “How did you know I’d sing with you after Mom showed up with Todd junior year of high school?”</p><p>Nini looks down at the ground. “I didn’t,” she says softly.</p><p>He gently places a hand on her knee, and she glances up at him. “So we’re even,” he says. “So say yes.”</p><p>Nini inhales deeply, meeting his steady, if a little intoxicated, gaze. There’s no point in pretending now.</p><p>“Yes,” she says after a long silence, not even finishing the whole word before his lips are back on hers, kissing the agreement from her as he wraps her up in his arms. This is it, the end-all, be-all; he’s <em> hers </em> once more, and while she can live without him, she doesn’t want to ever again. She refuses to settle for anything less than Ricky.</p><p>After a few seconds, or maybe a few hours, they break apart again. “I—I’m sorry,” Nini blurts out before she can stop herself.</p><p>Ricky frowns. “For what?”</p><p>“For two summers ago. For saying no,” she says quietly, absentmindedly running a hand through his hair.</p><p>“It’s okay,” Ricky shrugs.</p><p>“No,” Nini takes a deep breath to collect her thoughts. “I need to tell you why. Please?”</p><p>At his nod, she sits cross-legged in front of him. “It’s just—we’ve been in each other’s lives for so long, and I really needed to feel like I could do things on my own,” she confesses. “Especially since it was college! Where everyone claims they discover themselves! I didn’t want a relationship holding me back.”</p><p>His face is unreadable, but Nini plows ahead anyways, face lobster-red. “So I did things; I wrote articles about the real, actual activism I saw on campus; I was the youngest female lead in the theater troupe in over five years; I joined robotics club and figured out what I want to do for the rest of my life.”</p><p>Ricky opens his mouth to interrupt, but she shushes him and continues. “I had everything figured out, but what have I been doing for the last four months? Thinking about you!” She throws her hands up in the air. “So basically, I started off wanting to prove that I’m more than a boy—which I did—but ended up just waiting for you to show up anyway.”</p><p>Ricky’s smirking when she finishes, eyes glinting in the darkness. “So, you were pining for me.”</p><p>Nini groans, ducking her head. “Not on purpose!” she protests. “And don’t you bring it up ever again—"</p><p>Ricky shuts her up by kissing her briefly, and then pulls away, knocking his forehead against hers. “I get it,” he says quietly, a small smile curving his face. “I’m sorry, too. For not understanding that summer.”</p><p>“We’re both morons,” she murmurs. “We deserve each other.”</p><p>Ricky grins at her, thumbs circling right below her jaw. “We do,” he agrees, before reaching in to kiss her again.</p><p>And Nini kisses him back, sliding back into his lap, keeping him close. Swathed in darkness and still lightheaded at how the night had progressed, she’s never felt more clarity.</p><p>She’s never felt more like herself.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>follow me on twitter @lgbtbowen mayhaps</p></blockquote></div></div>
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